You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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