Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
