Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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