I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
