Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No subtext here. People are naked.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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