and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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