So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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