Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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