I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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