i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
