you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
