i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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