you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
