alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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