on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
