Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
