I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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