and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
