Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
