Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
