Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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