please come you make the beer taste better
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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