You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
