I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
