You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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