you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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