I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
