I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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