i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize