I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
