i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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