No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
