I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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