i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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