i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
