Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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