Have you finally orgasmed yet?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
