I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
