he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
