I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
MIDGETS
????
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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