well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
