bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
