I'm going to jail i love you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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