Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize