Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
