My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
