My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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