I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
