i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
