I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
