My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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