Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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