I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
