last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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