I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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