respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
