I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
