This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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