I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Pants are for mortals
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
