As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
