no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
