The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
im on a boat
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