i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
