my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize