You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
