Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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