im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
