Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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